woke up this morning about two hours later than i had planned and decided to throw in a mixtape i'd gotten from a girl a long while ago. her name was dawn, and a long time ago i was very enamoured with her. she was quite a fan of my zine, and we sent each other postcards and christmas presents and traded e-mail that proved we were more and more alike as time went on. it's her fault i'm into hip-hop, and i cherish her for that. there are these periods of time that i miss her like crazy and wish i still talked to her, but we've fallen out of communication. yeah, i know it's as easy as dropping an e-mail to her (that is if she still has the same addy...) but i know the feelings i have inside will probably make me sound like a complete psycho-boy. how do you tell someone you haven't talked to in half a year (and another half a year before that) that you miss them like crazy. that they're an apendage that you direly need so you can function properly...

now here's where the fun fruit twist comes into play.... there's another girl. one who i've become the best of friends with. one who challenges every notion i've ever known. one that could totally toss aside my ties with my friends for just knowing her. she's a wingnut, but she looks at things with a childlike innocence i've never seen before. she's also pissed off a lot of people who have called her a tease, a whore, a slut and a bitch.............. but somehow, i fail to see it. she's been nothing but kind to me and she's shown me nothing but love. and in return, i take those things that those people say (even tho i know different) and let it turn what could be something very nice into something very ugly. i've pissed on her trust too many times, yet she comes back. there's something there - something inside me - that she must find beautiful otherwise. there must be some edible meat in this emotional roadkill... but i can't find it. if i can't love me, why should i let anyone?

maybe i'm just in love with being in love. my last girlfriend and i were completely different. she was mormon, i had no religious beliefs. she was an angel, i was a tyrant. when it came right down to it, i ended up sticking around for so long (2 years) for the sex. originally, i cared about her so much that i would haved died for her. and part of me did die somewhere along the way... unfortunatley it was the part that loved her.

fuck... waxing poetic too much. time to go grab lunch anyhow...