lately my life has been like throwing a coin down a well and wondering what sound it'll make when it hits bottom. will the sound be hollow? will it make a resounding plop? will the coin even hit?

i know i've been descending rapidly, bracing myself for the impact... and i haven't quite hit the bottom yet, sure, but as i've reached terminal velocity i've recognized a couple things:

:: i am a large man. larger than i thought. larger than i should be. this really hit home just the other day when humperdink and i were at disneyland in the innoventions exhibit. the scale weighed me in at over three and a half bills. sure, i'm six foot five inches but that's nowhere near normal. i've been fitting into less and less of my 2xl t-shirts and it's been bugging the shit out of me. fatty needs to lose some weight and get in better shape.
:: no matter how hard i want to work and how badly i want to do something i'm going to slack off until the last minute and then rush to get it done.
:: every goal i set never gets met. torture hasn't been touched yet. the vicious propaganda comeback issue and site is nowhere close to being done. i've done no more than 20 minutes research on getting the alpha i got at toorcon running vms and upping the vms shell server. i've got dozens of other things i want to do, and nothing but time to do them... but they never get done.
:: i am lonley. truly and deeply. it's been three and a half years [four this july] since i broke up with jan. i haven't had an actual "relationship" for three and a half years. sure, i've had sex with other people since. nothing special. nothing memorable. but i miss being in love. i need someone badly. my heart is ten minutes from colapsing from lonleyness at any given moment.
:: i'm twenty three and i have no education outside of high school. my life depends on my computer skills at this point. if the entire computer field dried up and i found myself out of a job i'd be doomed to retail yet again.
:: i plan too much of my time around sitting on my ass, drinking and hanging out with my friend.
:: i drink too much.
:: i don't care too much about my appearance. i couldn't tell you the last time i combed my hair instead of running out of the house with a baseball cap on. i haven't shaved for over six days.
:: people are tired of me depending on them for rides. i need to get a mode of transportation and stick with it and quit showing up to places without a ride expecting to find a way home. that's weak of me.

i'm in dire need of improvements. i actually want to improve. now the question is, will i?

"half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it."
:: henry rollins

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