i feel weak. chrismas has never been a good time for me, just kinda going thru the motions. last night i went to the goat to drink and kill the pain. tonight, even if i've only had two beers and i don't even have a buzz i did something i probably shouldn't have. i mailed my ex-fiancee. yeah, at one point i was engaged. of course i was young and stupid back then... and don't get me wrong i really did love her, but we were way too different. after a while things became painfully obvious that it just wasn't going to work so i up and left. i haven't really looked back since. occasionally she'll mail me and i'll ignore her, not wanting to remember or dredge up old memories. i'm not sure what posessed me to send mail her, but i did. here i go opening up a can of worms... color me a big fat sack of stupid sentimentality.

date: tue, 25 dec 2001 00:43:07 -0800 (pst)
from: gomi no sensei
to: jan davison
subject: merry christmas...

even if i do ignore you thru the year i do think about you still. and even tho it means very little to me anymore, i understand cristmas still probably means quite a bit to you. so merry christmas jan. tell andrew and your mom i wish them all the best as well.