i’m working as hard as i can to get rid of this bout of depression i’ve been having, but nothing’s working. buried under half a pint of rum and a six pack of sam i’m wallowing in the fact that it’s a saturday night, i’m twenty-four and i’m extremely fucking lonely. it seems like everyone’s gone or is on their way out... much to my dismay sage is already gone and noid’s due to leave for washington in a couple days... trent and karen have been living in portland for close to a month [maybe more... i can’t keep track of a goddamn thing lately]. skroo is planning on going somewhere, he just hasn’t filled anyone else in as to where – but he knows he wants to be somewhere besides here. can’t say i blame him.
everyone leaving has kinda fueled my loneliness, but what’s worse is the fact that here i am, twenty-four and i have nobody. this july will mark five years to the date that i broke up with jan. five years since i’ve actually been in love with somebody who loved me back. that’s what’s depressing. going on date after date and not even clicking with anyone. that shit gets fustrating.
but of course, it’s never one thing with me...
exo – as always – is on shaky ground. i’m about three weeks behind as far as pay goes, so i guess it was a good thing that i was squirreling away my money. this is also one of the first times in months where i didn’t have to cover tim on lunch at least once in a week. i’ve been hard at work on the new site for our wireless service and it’s looking tight. something to throw in the very thin and slowly expanding professional webdesign portfolio.
also, i’ve gotten a bit fustrated with my weight as of late. i am so out of shape and i need to get rid of some of this extra flab. i can’t bend down like i used to. i get winded walking up more than a dozen steps. i’m so goddamn lethargic and tired. i have no energy whatsoever. of course, i’m happy wallowing in being lazy - it’s comfortable... hell, people don’t expect much out of me.
but now that my health is getting worse, i’m scared. i shouldn’t get winded doing anything. i don’t want to be the fat slob that everyone laughs at.
i think i’m turning into that fat slob.
i feel pathetic.
it’s time for a change, but i’m going to need a catalyst to get me going.something to kick my ass into gear.
hitting bottom is not a weekend retreat...