adventures in mormon

so i was running late to work this morning and the second bus i had to take was jam packed. a flock of handicapped people got on so being a nice guy i went ahead and gave up my seat and stood by the rear door. a couple stops passed and three of brigham's hitmen got on and one of them zeroed in on me. standing next to me he started with the proverbial small talk about the weather. i could see where the conversation was headed when he said he was from salt lake city on his "misson" - as if the short sleved shirt, tie, and latter day saints namebadge hadn't already given him away...

so i said, "before you get all preachy let me slap a disclaimer on the front of this conversation. my aunt and grandma are both mormon. my dad was raised in the church and my grandmother has always tried to preach the word to me." he'd asked me if i'd read the book of mormon and i told him i'd never gotten around to it and then he gave me a flyer with their website address on it and said "this should answer some of your questions you no doubt have."

using this as a jump off point, i acted more interested and permited him to read a passage to me from the book of mormon he was carying around. i feigned more interest and said while trying not to laugh "wow, that's interesting. my grandmother has always taken a low pressure approach to the church with me, but she's never read me a passage. that's poweful stuff." to which the missionary's face lit up. he gave me a flyer with his church's information jotted down in it and stuffed it into the book he was reading from.

"here, this has been my personal copy while i've been here in california for the past two months. if you can look past some underlined passages and really want to read the book, it's yours." he said, giving me the book. after tucking it into my bag i let him know my stop was coming up in a minute and he said that if i had any questions he'd be happy to field them.

so i said, "if i were to join your church how long would it take before i got issued a bike?"
"what?" he replied, slackjawed.
"i know they don't give them to you right away, otherwise you wouldn't be on the bus. but i'd kinda like to get in shape and a bike would be just the thing. so like, what, six months?"
"i think you're confused."
"oh, i'd have to be a member of the church for a while and become a missionary to get a bike... right." i said as i pulled the cord for my stop.
he nervously smiled and said, "you know, i never caught your name."
"joseph smith."
"oh well, it was a pleasure to meet you joseph. you have a nice day." and he shook my hand right before i stepped off the bus.
"thanks, say hi to heavenly father for me you dipshit." i muttered under my breath as the doors closed.

so now i'm up a book of mormon and i have no idea what to do with it... do you?

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