valentine's day... what could i say about it that i haven't already said?
i'm really not as bitter as i was last year when that issue of vicious propaganda came out. trust me, i'm not. actually, i've spent most of today downloading luscious jackson, bjork, everything but the girl and shirley bassey.
so there's was some point to this... ah yes - sometimes i miss dawn. nobody save for the little voices in my head know she exists. well, she knows she exists - but that's not the point. she was my old zine's [which i've linked twice already...] biggest fan. she was more than that. i remember the first mail i got from her...
i was sitting in the computer lab at cerritos college, fucking around on the vax, skipping class and trying to pound out a new issue of vp. i'm fairly sure this was late fall, early winter of 96. that summer, i'd gotten with jan and things were progressing along smoothly. life was okay save for the fact that i was failing all but one class. ray and i were going to head to the on campus taco bell, so i was backing out of my session when i decided to check my mail once more. i think you see where i'm going with this... this new person had dropped me a note saying basically "i read your zine, marry me". at first i thought, "okay psycho" - but i went off to lunch before i sent a reply. this turned out to be a good thing, because i was in a fairly playful mood when i got back - so i played along. i accepted her proposal, told her we'd have to have a vegas wedding and just ran with it. the next thing i know, i'm mailing her most every day and she's sending me little gifts. i really got to caring about her. a lot. but i had jan, and in a way i was cheating on my girlfriend even tho i really cared a lot less about her by this time. so i stopped mailing dawn and i went back to jan. doing the honorable thing sucked - i broke up with jan about 10 months later. after a while i decided to see if dawn was still around - so i sent her another mail to say hey. sooner than later i was back having a pseudo relationship with her again. she sent me this awesome mixtape that i still play every chance i get. [it's so dawn's fault that i'm into hip-hop.] i was convinced that i needed to visit her in new york, and i think she wanted me to - but i had no money or any job for that matter. so i struck out to look for a job. unfortunatley, the job took all my time away and i stopped mailing her again. so not once, but twice i get handed someone i care about - and i end up screwing it up. i really want to mail her again, but i wonder how seriously she'll take me. i really miss the hell out of her.
i want to find dawn again. i want to meet her face to face. i want a lot of things... but i'll probably never get them. so now i'm here, all alone... it's kinda grown on me.
"a simple prop, to occupy my time / this one goes out to the one i love"