there are times, like today where i feel like i'm ready to walk. just say "fuck it" with my job and go back the uncompelling world of retail or food service.

i've said it before, but i'll repeat it to prove how strongly my feelings are towards the topic... i am not a designer. when i do a flyer or a website or what have you it's the best i can do. i have no formal training as a designer. i've never gone to school to learn about fonts, what dpi looks best for printing in color or black and white, or what looks asthetically pleasing to one's eyes. i am not a professional desgner. i have never attempted to make a living off the design work i do. everything i've done so far has been for free and i've made no profit.

so why is it that my boss - who is really fucking stressed because his company is riding on the wireless soloution we've started to provide - for some reason seems to expect me to make some kickass flyer design right off the bat? i know he has the idea of how he wants everything to go down all in his head, but when i have him, our installer and our book keeper saying "we need to get a flyer out..." but with very little information on how he wants it done how in the hell should it look? he spouts off "why do i have to micromanage everything to make sure it gets done right?" perhaps it's because you're having me do it instead of relying on a professional design company who could take your specs [considering you give them any] and make something that looks spectacular. instead, you're giving me a complex. and instead of being my friend that i work for you're slowly becoming the raging pain in my ass that i can do nothing right for.

why do you need to micromanage everything? perhaps because it's your company. yeah, i'm aware that your sister almost ran it into the ground and the people who i replaced were no help but you should have been well aware that having your own company would have netted you long hours and headaches as well as a profit - if we could actually turn one... yeah, you've put a lot of time and money into this company and it's survived a lot of things that would kill most companies but let's face facts. you and i are the only two on this staff. everyone else here is a volunteer. our installer, he's working on comission and collecting unemployment... our book keeper, he's here because he has a vested interest in the company now... me, i'm here because back in january you sent a mail out to the socal list and said "hey, anyone need a job?" and i bit.

don't get me wrong, the job's been great... the pay isn't all it's cracked up to be and i know i'm the only one who really takes home a paycheck each week, but you've been kind enough to host my little projects and put up with me a.d.d.'ing all over defcon planning and let's face it, the bandwidth is better than what i get at home. i've learned loads while i've been here, hell more than what i ever knew before... but what i get paid to come in and do is to answer calls, handle support e-mails and fix things when they break. i come in on holidays that everyone else observes to answer those one or two calls that come in. i do way more than a basic tech usually does... you were supposed to pay me more for handling billing after your sister stopped running it every day, but i never saw an extra dime there. there were a couple things i did - like changing graphics on client websites - that i was supposed to get paid for... not one penny. what do i take home weekly? a little under $400 and a stack of warez burned onto blank discs...

have i complained once? not until right now...

where'd that boog go that was going to do a smash up job on the exo website? where's the boog that was full of fire and ambition towards making this company grow go? what happened to the boog that used to stay late and make sure things got done? he's not in right now. that boog's been on vacation for about the past three to four months. if you leave a message he'll try to get back to you... but i can't make any promises.

that boog, even tho he understands you're joking with calling him "chet" [the guy i replaced who was a lazy slob] and whatnot is pretty fed up with having a raging 800lb gorilla in a 150lb asshole suit. hurt by your snide comments that from anyone else would be stupid - but for some reason they get under my skin and itch like a thousand fire ants attempting to burrow deeply into me - i've just about had it. i'm just about ready say fuck it and walk out the door.

i'm sick of this horseshit. you've got a business to run. you've gotta make it succeed. i don't mind helping out with doing more than i should, but christ, a "thanks" or even not getting all uppity and acting like a little bitch when something isn't right is all i ask. either that or tell me what you want. i can't make reality out of your ether unless i'm huffing it too...

you were a friend of mine, not really tight like everyone else i hang out with but you are a funny, witty, dedicated man. you know what you want, you have an idea of how to get it... but frankly, i may not be up for the ride anymore. i'm taking this weekend off. i'm going up north to visit my friend click. we're going to smoke pot and hang out and relax. i'm not answering my cell and i'm going to try not to check my mail... i won't be back in until monday afternoon/evening. i need to clear my head. hopefully i'll still have a job waiting for me when i get back on tuesday. now if you'll excuse me, i've got ten left out of a twelve pack of sam adams summer ale in my office fridge. another couple have my name and today's date all over them...

"i'm about to have a nervous breakdown / my head really hurts / if i don't find a way out of here / i'm gonna go berserk 'cuz / i'm crazy and i'm hurt / head on my shoulders / it's going ... berserk"