Megan and I had a good talk today. Unfortunately, out of that good talk came something I never wanted to think about happening.

We're over. Finished. We aren't taking a break to see if we can figure this out later. Nope. The Megan and Jason Show has been canceled.

Have you ever been in love with someone and had it change into a friendship? Well, that's exactly what happened here. Around this time last year - when she was graduating from culinary school - I told her that she'd grown so much in the two plus years that we'd been together. And I saw then that the time was going to come where she wasn't going to need us anymore. Not in the way she thought she did.

When I told Megan this, she dismissed it and said I was being pessimistic. But something felt different and it worried the hell out of me. I wanted to marry this girl, but I was beginning to have second thoughts. Was what we really shared love or something else?

As I look back, I realized that we were two people who really needed somebody. Not only to help act as a port in a storm, but also as a catalyst for change. Megan was young and lacking self esteem. I was approaching my mid-twenties and drinking to keep myself from feeling alone. Two people in the wrong place at the right time.

I lavished her with attention and positive reinforcement while she gave me companionship and affection. We both felt complete after feeling alone for so long. It was exactly what we needed. Megan became more sure of herself and my focus was changed long enough for me to weed out the bad influences that were dragging me down.

And while plenty of those bad influences will likely claim that she purposely alienated me from them, I really feel that it's necessary to say that it really was my decision to cut them out of my life. Being given the opportunity to step back from a bad situation and reflect on it is invaluable. In fact, Megan was the one trying to keep me social thru all of this. Urging me to work things out instead of snubbing people who, despite being a bad influence, had been an important part of making me who I am.

Megan also helped me learn that drinking is not the answer to depression. At the time, it wasn't that hard for her to do. I drank because I was lonely. She made me feel less alone. Once again, she allowed me to step back and realize what I was doing.

Intitally, after I left Megan's house today, my gut reaction was to swing by the store and buy a 12 pack of Newcastle to drown my sorrows. But I realized that sort of thing could lead to regression, which isn't healthy. Why should I let myself slip back to square one and lose everything I'd gotten out of this relationship?

The worst thing I can do is let the past three and a half years be all for naught.

The funny thing about love is, sometimes we mistake it for feeling whole. "You complete who I am right now" isn't anywhere close to "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you." People are weird creatures who often mistake one emotion for the other while being caught up in a moment.

Megan and I didn't work out the way I hoped we would. After looking into her eyes today while she cut me loose, I noticed the luster had gone from them. Then I tried to remember the last time I saw them sparkle, but I couldn't. At that point, all I could remember was the first time. When she told me she loved me in her grandmother's front yard. Had I just been replaying it the whole time? Maybe it was never there to begin with...

I'm going to try to stay friends with her, but I don't know if that'll end up being too weird. I hope it won't be. She's too big a part of who I am now for me to just cut her out of my life completely. We've shared too much and have too large a vested interest in one another to throw the friendship we've built out the window.

Megan said she wanted to stay friends. And I could tell by her voice that she was being honest with me. Right now we've got geography working against us, so who knows where things will go from here. To be honest, I don't think anything should have to change other than our physical relationship. As long as I can keep from wanting to kiss her, there's no reason that we can't make something work.

I'd hate to lose both my best friend any my girlfriend in one fell swoop. *sigh*

1 comment:

Dave Bullock / eecue said...

Breaking up is never an easy thing to do, but it sounds like you are taking it very well. I wish you the best in your new adventures and you can rest assured that love will work its way back in to your life.