after plenty of deliberation and with a bit of a heavy heart, i think it's time to put gomi up on the shelf.
i'm not sure how or why i came to that decision... maybe it's just because it feels like the right time time.
i've got a lot of heavy things going on in my life and change is in the wind. it just feels as if it's high time to evolve, and i don't think i can do that here.
the archives will exist for as long as i can keep them going. that's likely to keep me from getting a job or holding public office in the future but fuck it. the words i wrote here are a record of who i was at a time and place in my life. hopefully i can come back in five or ten years to make some sense out of it all.
but don't think that i'm walking away from weblogging. i plan to keep posting at preshrunk as well as my new personal site, ono sendai. i hope some of y'all manage to follow me over there. cheers!
10.24.2005
10.15.2005
endings
Megan and I had a good talk today. Unfortunately, out of that good talk came something I never wanted to think about happening.
We're over. Finished. We aren't taking a break to see if we can figure this out later. Nope. The Megan and Jason Show has been canceled.
Have you ever been in love with someone and had it change into a friendship? Well, that's exactly what happened here. Around this time last year - when she was graduating from culinary school - I told her that she'd grown so much in the two plus years that we'd been together. And I saw then that the time was going to come where she wasn't going to need us anymore. Not in the way she thought she did.
When I told Megan this, she dismissed it and said I was being pessimistic. But something felt different and it worried the hell out of me. I wanted to marry this girl, but I was beginning to have second thoughts. Was what we really shared love or something else?
As I look back, I realized that we were two people who really needed somebody. Not only to help act as a port in a storm, but also as a catalyst for change. Megan was young and lacking self esteem. I was approaching my mid-twenties and drinking to keep myself from feeling alone. Two people in the wrong place at the right time.
I lavished her with attention and positive reinforcement while she gave me companionship and affection. We both felt complete after feeling alone for so long. It was exactly what we needed. Megan became more sure of herself and my focus was changed long enough for me to weed out the bad influences that were dragging me down.
And while plenty of those bad influences will likely claim that she purposely alienated me from them, I really feel that it's necessary to say that it really was my decision to cut them out of my life. Being given the opportunity to step back from a bad situation and reflect on it is invaluable. In fact, Megan was the one trying to keep me social thru all of this. Urging me to work things out instead of snubbing people who, despite being a bad influence, had been an important part of making me who I am.
Megan also helped me learn that drinking is not the answer to depression. At the time, it wasn't that hard for her to do. I drank because I was lonely. She made me feel less alone. Once again, she allowed me to step back and realize what I was doing.
Intitally, after I left Megan's house today, my gut reaction was to swing by the store and buy a 12 pack of Newcastle to drown my sorrows. But I realized that sort of thing could lead to regression, which isn't healthy. Why should I let myself slip back to square one and lose everything I'd gotten out of this relationship?
The worst thing I can do is let the past three and a half years be all for naught.
The funny thing about love is, sometimes we mistake it for feeling whole. "You complete who I am right now" isn't anywhere close to "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you." People are weird creatures who often mistake one emotion for the other while being caught up in a moment.
Megan and I didn't work out the way I hoped we would. After looking into her eyes today while she cut me loose, I noticed the luster had gone from them. Then I tried to remember the last time I saw them sparkle, but I couldn't. At that point, all I could remember was the first time. When she told me she loved me in her grandmother's front yard. Had I just been replaying it the whole time? Maybe it was never there to begin with...
I'm going to try to stay friends with her, but I don't know if that'll end up being too weird. I hope it won't be. She's too big a part of who I am now for me to just cut her out of my life completely. We've shared too much and have too large a vested interest in one another to throw the friendship we've built out the window.
Megan said she wanted to stay friends. And I could tell by her voice that she was being honest with me. Right now we've got geography working against us, so who knows where things will go from here. To be honest, I don't think anything should have to change other than our physical relationship. As long as I can keep from wanting to kiss her, there's no reason that we can't make something work.
I'd hate to lose both my best friend any my girlfriend in one fell swoop. *sigh*
We're over. Finished. We aren't taking a break to see if we can figure this out later. Nope. The Megan and Jason Show has been canceled.
Have you ever been in love with someone and had it change into a friendship? Well, that's exactly what happened here. Around this time last year - when she was graduating from culinary school - I told her that she'd grown so much in the two plus years that we'd been together. And I saw then that the time was going to come where she wasn't going to need us anymore. Not in the way she thought she did.
When I told Megan this, she dismissed it and said I was being pessimistic. But something felt different and it worried the hell out of me. I wanted to marry this girl, but I was beginning to have second thoughts. Was what we really shared love or something else?
As I look back, I realized that we were two people who really needed somebody. Not only to help act as a port in a storm, but also as a catalyst for change. Megan was young and lacking self esteem. I was approaching my mid-twenties and drinking to keep myself from feeling alone. Two people in the wrong place at the right time.
I lavished her with attention and positive reinforcement while she gave me companionship and affection. We both felt complete after feeling alone for so long. It was exactly what we needed. Megan became more sure of herself and my focus was changed long enough for me to weed out the bad influences that were dragging me down.
And while plenty of those bad influences will likely claim that she purposely alienated me from them, I really feel that it's necessary to say that it really was my decision to cut them out of my life. Being given the opportunity to step back from a bad situation and reflect on it is invaluable. In fact, Megan was the one trying to keep me social thru all of this. Urging me to work things out instead of snubbing people who, despite being a bad influence, had been an important part of making me who I am.
Megan also helped me learn that drinking is not the answer to depression. At the time, it wasn't that hard for her to do. I drank because I was lonely. She made me feel less alone. Once again, she allowed me to step back and realize what I was doing.
Intitally, after I left Megan's house today, my gut reaction was to swing by the store and buy a 12 pack of Newcastle to drown my sorrows. But I realized that sort of thing could lead to regression, which isn't healthy. Why should I let myself slip back to square one and lose everything I'd gotten out of this relationship?
The worst thing I can do is let the past three and a half years be all for naught.
The funny thing about love is, sometimes we mistake it for feeling whole. "You complete who I am right now" isn't anywhere close to "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you." People are weird creatures who often mistake one emotion for the other while being caught up in a moment.
Megan and I didn't work out the way I hoped we would. After looking into her eyes today while she cut me loose, I noticed the luster had gone from them. Then I tried to remember the last time I saw them sparkle, but I couldn't. At that point, all I could remember was the first time. When she told me she loved me in her grandmother's front yard. Had I just been replaying it the whole time? Maybe it was never there to begin with...
I'm going to try to stay friends with her, but I don't know if that'll end up being too weird. I hope it won't be. She's too big a part of who I am now for me to just cut her out of my life completely. We've shared too much and have too large a vested interest in one another to throw the friendship we've built out the window.
Megan said she wanted to stay friends. And I could tell by her voice that she was being honest with me. Right now we've got geography working against us, so who knows where things will go from here. To be honest, I don't think anything should have to change other than our physical relationship. As long as I can keep from wanting to kiss her, there's no reason that we can't make something work.
I'd hate to lose both my best friend any my girlfriend in one fell swoop. *sigh*
9.22.2005
dear mos def,
i love you and all, but i'm not paying forty bucks [fifty after ticketmaster's bullshit "service fees"] to go see you when you roll thru anaheim in november. i can't justify paying that sort of money to come out and see y'all perform. not even if talib kweli is on the bill [which he is] and you guys swear to god that you'll do "definition" sometime during the evening.
i hope you understand.
yours truly,
jason
i hope you understand.
yours truly,
jason
8.14.2005
upwardly mobile
apparently they've got a 2006 xb in camouflage [see above] that should be coming into the port sometime around the 22nd of august. while i had my heart set on the blue, they don't have one of those on their delivery schedule for another month. and while i could be patient, i really don't want to wait that long.
sure, i could try to hunt a stock blue one out at another nearby dealer but it's sort of a pain in the ass. from what i understand they end up tricking most of the new cars out at the port unless they've been earmarked for someone.
*shrug* it doesn't upset me too much. after all, the camo was my second color choice. it's a bit more mannish of a color than the pearl blue anyhow.
but yeah, i'm excited...
8.11.2005
weekend lunching
ooh, according to la.foodblogging my favorite patissierre [boule] has started offering sandwiches for the lunch crowd. what's more, they all sound really, really good.
hrm. i wonder if i can convice megs to take a trip over that way for lunch this weekend...
hrm. i wonder if i can convice megs to take a trip over that way for lunch this weekend...
of course it runs netbsd...
my old circle of friends used to have this inside joke where any time netbsd was brought up someone would loudly chime in, "ah yes, netbsd... you know there's a port of netbsd that works on my grandmother's vibrator, right?"
most of the times it'd induce both shudders and guffaws. and eventually the standard response became "i never have been able to get the vibrator port to work... but my toaster runs it like a dream." it was sort of like our own little absurdist secret handshake as we never really thought that netbsd would ever really run on either device.
well, it looks like someone finished the toaster port. i guess all we need now is for someone to cram a gumstix in a jelly dong...
most of the times it'd induce both shudders and guffaws. and eventually the standard response became "i never have been able to get the vibrator port to work... but my toaster runs it like a dream." it was sort of like our own little absurdist secret handshake as we never really thought that netbsd would ever really run on either device.
well, it looks like someone finished the toaster port. i guess all we need now is for someone to cram a gumstix in a jelly dong...
8.09.2005
hooray for anthropohobia
i had a very "gee whiz" moment over the weekend with the bank of america website, so i thought i'd share...
ever since b of a fucked me over with a direct deposit snafu back in 1998, i've been bank account free. yeah, i'm one of those weird anomalies that you only ever hear about. other than having to jump thru a few hoops whenever i wanted to cash my paycheck, i really haven't had too much of a problem without one. honestly, it wasn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. in fact, i was really happy without one...
that is, of course, until i figured out that i sort of needed one if i wanted to buy a car.
since i'd cleared things up with bank of america back in 2000, i thought i'd give them another chance. besides, i work in a building where the bank is literally downstairs. call me lazy, but it seemed like a nice fit. *shrug* were there a wells fargo in the same building i'd probably be with them right now.
now since i'm sort of a hermit, i really wasn't looking forward to sitting in a lobby for an hour or two while some guy shuffles paperwork and feigns being friendly while they run a credit check on me. still, it was something i assumed i had to do. that is until i went online to check when the bank opens. it was then that i noticed that i could apply for an account online. really? a lack of human contact? sign me up!
20 minutes later, i'd done just that. on a sunday no less. and the next morning my inbox had a piping hot approval notice in it. it was a nice note that assured me that my atm card and checks should make their way to me in the next week and the only human contact i'll have to endure is going into the bank to set the pin on my card and verify my identity.
but man, how lovely is that?
ever since b of a fucked me over with a direct deposit snafu back in 1998, i've been bank account free. yeah, i'm one of those weird anomalies that you only ever hear about. other than having to jump thru a few hoops whenever i wanted to cash my paycheck, i really haven't had too much of a problem without one. honestly, it wasn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. in fact, i was really happy without one...
that is, of course, until i figured out that i sort of needed one if i wanted to buy a car.
since i'd cleared things up with bank of america back in 2000, i thought i'd give them another chance. besides, i work in a building where the bank is literally downstairs. call me lazy, but it seemed like a nice fit. *shrug* were there a wells fargo in the same building i'd probably be with them right now.
now since i'm sort of a hermit, i really wasn't looking forward to sitting in a lobby for an hour or two while some guy shuffles paperwork and feigns being friendly while they run a credit check on me. still, it was something i assumed i had to do. that is until i went online to check when the bank opens. it was then that i noticed that i could apply for an account online. really? a lack of human contact? sign me up!
20 minutes later, i'd done just that. on a sunday no less. and the next morning my inbox had a piping hot approval notice in it. it was a nice note that assured me that my atm card and checks should make their way to me in the next week and the only human contact i'll have to endure is going into the bank to set the pin on my card and verify my identity.
but man, how lovely is that?
8.05.2005
speaking of death cab...
a little birdie got a copy of the new album [plans] to me.
so. very. good.
and despite the fact that i totally downloaded it, i'm going to have no problem buying a copy on august 30th.
but as suck free as i think it is, i know pitchfork is going to take a shit all over this one. which is unfortunate but expected. *shrug*
so. very. good.
and despite the fact that i totally downloaded it, i'm going to have no problem buying a copy on august 30th.
but as suck free as i think it is, i know pitchfork is going to take a shit all over this one. which is unfortunate but expected. *shrug*
8.03.2005
a melody softly soaring thru my atmosphere
death cab for cutie's new single "soul meets body" just took over the top heavy rotation spot on my ipod. seriously good stuff. well, i like it. *shrug*
also, "marching bands of manhattan" is very reassuring. i have a good feeling that the new album - which is their first on a major label - isn't going to suck.
p.s. i'm not sure if it's my ibook's lack of ram or the fact that it was taped off the radio but that link for "marching bands..." seems to have a couple skips. just letting you know that you shouldn't expect a perfect copy. hope that doesn't ruin it for you. enjoy!
also, "marching bands of manhattan" is very reassuring. i have a good feeling that the new album - which is their first on a major label - isn't going to suck.
p.s. i'm not sure if it's my ibook's lack of ram or the fact that it was taped off the radio but that link for "marching bands..." seems to have a couple skips. just letting you know that you shouldn't expect a perfect copy. hope that doesn't ruin it for you. enjoy!
8.02.2005
piracy breeds popularity
does anyone else find it funny that epitaph went thru a whole bunch of trouble to "internet proof" the new danger doom album? i mean the internet pretty much made dangermouse the latest hot producer, and this is the thanks we get? pfft.
i hope this was the label's choice and not dangermouse's - otherwise i'm bound to label this one of the quickest 180's i've ever seen and move on.
i hope this was the label's choice and not dangermouse's - otherwise i'm bound to label this one of the quickest 180's i've ever seen and move on.